This one, oddly enough, is mostly for myself and about myself, in a sense... as much as any fanfic ever could be. In a way, it's maybe also about someone else... Perhaps the more personal significant meaning to me in Ginji's dreams and in Ban's type of comfort is what made this take so much longer to write than all the others I've written so far. To sum up this totally pointless author's note: I'm not really sure.

Note*** This was written as a semi-sequel to Closer To Me, pre-viewing episodes 22-25, but after watching, and then reading it over, I've decided nothing really contradicts what was said there - and if you find it does, eh, well, it's probably very minor. Lyrics are from Kelly's Clarkson's Anytime. Image posted previously in LJ is connected to this as well.

*CONTENT WARNING* If you dislike Ban x Ginji, you may not want to read this one.

I look into your eyes and I feel it comin through
I can't help but want you more than I want to
so baby take all of your fears, cast them all on me
cause all I ever wanted was just to make you see
that I could be the one to give you all that you've been searching for
just hold on to my love and baby, let me give you more
You know
Anytime you need love, baby, I'm on your side
Just let me be the one that can make it all right
Anytime you need love, baby, you're in my heart
I can make it all right

"I'm sorry, but my decision is made."

"You would simply abandon VOLTS?"

Ginji whirled around to face his friends, anger flaring up in his body, though he was careful not to let it reach his eyes. "I'm not abandoning anyone!" he snapped. "The entire point of VOLTS was to create... to create a network, a community, a means of everyone protecting each other! It exists now...and I..."

Shido narrowed his eyes at Ginji and Kadsuki winced. "This is about that Mido, isn't it..."

Sighing, Ginji closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. He couldn't in good conscience say it wasn't, and yet, it was more than that. "It isn't your business why I made this decision - only that I did, and I'm asking you to respect it."

"It's difficult to respect it if you won't explain it."

Kadsuki sensed that Ginji was about to offer another snappish reply, and he held up a gentle hand, asking for Ginji's attention without words. "Ginji... what Shido is inelegantly trying to say is that... without a leader, there is no unity."

"Someone else can lead..." Ginji started and Shido shook his head.

"They will not follow anyone but the Thunder Emperor..."

Electricity crackled around Ginji as he stepped closer to Shido, fists clenched, but Shido did not back down. "I'm going to do what I want to do - If you won't accept it, then leave my sight. You can't change my mind, and you obviously don't understand."

"Ginji-san..."

"LEAVE!"

"You sound like a selfish child throwing a temper tantrum because he can't have his way." Shido sighed heavily, muttering underneath his breath and then turned to leave the room. "It won't be as easy as you want it to be..." he added from the doorway before disappearing.

Turning away and crossing the room to the single dirty window, Ginji looked out on the broken buildings that had long been his home, trying to stomp down the guilt that Shido's words had brought to the surface. "He doesn't understand..." he mumbled again, and did not look up when Kadsuki crossed the room and reached out to touch his shoulder.

"Ginji-san, won't you reconsider, please?"

"Kadsuki!" Ginji snapped angrily, bringing his shaking hands to his face. "Don't you understand either? I don't want to be Raitei anymore! I hate myself when... when..."

"It doesn't have to be like that-"

"You know I can't control it!" he said desperately, his eyes tearing up. "And I hate myself for it... when it happens... it's like watching from somewhere deep inside myself as this other force... destroys! And I'm crying as I watch people die through this hazy blur... I don't want to live in a life where I am respected only because I am feared."

"People respect you because you are kind."

Ginji sank to the floor, pulling his knees up against his chest, burying his face in his arms with a sob. "I am not kind... I may not remember everything I do in those moments, but what I do remember is not kind... it is angry, vicious, unrelenting..."

"In an effort to protect people," Kadsuki interrupted as he knelt down beside him, but Ginji did not seem to hear him.

"Shido is right, in a way... the people do follow me because I am the Thunder Emperor...but for just once, I would like to be seen as who I am... I just want someone to be around me...not because I am Raitei...but because I am Amano Ginji!" This exclamation was punctuated by another sob as Ginji pushed away the hand Kadsuki had reached out to touch his shoulder with. "And Ban... he sees something else inside me, something beside Raitei... and... and I want that! I want someone to care about me, someone who will see something besides the fearful monster I am, someone I can call a friend!"

Kadsuki had recoiled as if slapped at these words and shook his head slowly. "Ginji... I can't believe that after all this time, you would really believe that we are not your friends."

"I don't know if I can... I don't know if I can believe you're not just like everyone else. And even if you aren't, that means I'm only putting you in danger. As long as I'm here, as long as you know me, they will always hunt you. You know how it is. I'm tired of watching people get hurt... I'm...so tired of it..."

Ginji finally looked up at Kadsuki with glassy eyes, and Kadsuki reached out with one thumb to brush away a tear. "Ginji..."

"Leave me alone, Kadsuki," Ginji intoned softly, closing his eyes and resting his head on his arms again. "Go away."

"But..."

"I am just a child, thinking only about myself. I don't... care... about... any of you!" Ginji struggled to spit out the words he knew were entirely untrue, pained all the more by the catch in Kadsuki's breathing as he did. In a way, deep within, he knew that part of his decision came not only for himself, but also to protect his friends here... but no one else needed to know that.

"If that's what you want..." Kadsuki rose to his feet and walked to the door, stopping to look back at his friend as he sat curled into a ball in the corner of the room, weeping.

Ginji looked up tearfully, but the scene had already changed, the darkened halls of Mugenjou closing in around him, solemn and suffocating. "Ban-chan?" he whispered.

"Monster..." a voice in the darkness hissed, and Ginji scrambled to his feet, peering down the corridor.

"Who's there?"

"Lightning demon... murderer..." the voice hissed again and Ginji started to run towards the sound.

"SHUT UP!"

"Someone like you will always be alone in the darkness..." the voice faded away again and Ginji screamed in rage, beating his fists into the walls, electricity crackling all around him..

"BAN-CHAN! Where are you? Get me out of here! BAN! BAAAAN!!"

*******

Air... light... space... can't breathe...

Amano Ginji stumbled onto the balcony of the small apartment he shared with his best friend, reaching out to the railing with shaking hands. He melted slowly to the ground, leaning his head against the wall of the building, his shoulders heaving with sobs. It had been his hope to escape outside without waking his friend, but Mido Ban was always attuned to Ginji's feelings, and appeared in the doorway a moment later, looking down at him with a frown.

"Ginji..." he intoned softly, but the other boy did not even look up. Ban already knew without asking that the cause of Ginji's distress had been a dream; he himself had woken from feeling the electricity crackling through their sheets as Ginji twitched in unconsciousness. Ban waited just a moment longer, and when Ginji simply continued to shake, curled into himself, Ban knelt down beside him, reaching out one hand to ruffle Ginji's hair.

This familiar movement seemed to get through to Ginji, and he finally looked up, the pain etched clearly in his tear-stained face. "Ban-chan..." he murmured, and when Ban wordlessly opened his arms up, Ginji leaned into him, burying his face in Ban's chest.

"Do you want to talk?" Ban asked, half pulling Ginji into his lap as he settled down with his back against the wall. The sounds of traffic whirring by below their balcony blurred with the fluorescent of the street lamps to cast an ethereal aura in the hazy heat of the summer night.

"It was... I..." Ginji started softly, and it was then that Ban noticed all the hair standing on end. He sighed, reaching a hand to brush Ginji's hair down gently in front - the dream had to have been bad to bring out that kind of subconscious reaction. "Just... replaying in my mind... my fault..."

Ban brought one hand to Ginji's chin, tilting his face up as he replied sharply. "No, Ginji. No blaming yourself. The past is the past, and you are free of it now. No use in beating yourself up over things you can't change."

"Everything's so dark..." Ginji murmured, not seeming to really hear the reply, once again leaning his head against Ban. "I'm running and I'm running... I was looking for you..."

"You found me," Ban smiled slightly, running a hand lightly over Ginji's back.

"And I just...couldn't...breathe..."

Ban pondered this for a moment, his hand still tracing soothingly up and down Ginji's back, nearly lulling him back to sleep. "I know why you can't breathe... it's too damn hot and sticky in this city." There was truth to his statement, as even at night, the overwhelming heat of the summer seemed to permeate every crack and every space between the buildings and the people.

"Yes... it's hot..." Ginji affirmed drowsily, having calmed down quickly under Ban's ministrations "Then..." Ban mused thoughtfully. "We'll have to go someplace where it isn't, so you can breathe." He reached an arm around Ginji's back, bracing himself against the wall before he pulled himself to his feet, taking Ginji with him.

"Ban-chan..." Ginji mumbled in question, but it was obvious that he was completely worn out and Ban simply shook his head, wrapping an arm around Ginji's shoulders now instead.

"Ssh... we're going for a ride." With that, he pulled Ginji back inside, hand searching the countertop until he grabbed the car keys and his sunglasses. "Loop your arms around my neck," he instructed softly, and as Ginji complied, rubbing at one eye, Ban leaned slightly, lifting him until he was piggyback. Had Ginji been more awake, Ban was sure he would have laughed in delight, but as it was, he only leaned his head against Ban's shoulder, mumbling incoherently, his hands sending tingling sparks of electricity down Ban's chest.

It was no small feat to carry Ginji down the stairs, and Ban was relieved once he'd managed to get him into the car. Ginji seemed to sense the familiar space, immediately leaning his head against the window and falling asleep. Ban shook his head, mostly in amusement, and yet slightly with worry, and then climbed into the driver's side. He reached over to ruffle Ginji's hair once more as he gunned the engine, and then he pulled the car out into the street and headed for the quickest route to the highway.

The sky was still dark when Ban finally pulled off the highway, steering the car carefully over the bumps in the dirt road. After parking it, he stretched, twining his fingers together briefly before searching out a cigarette to light. He glanced over at Ginji, but his friend was still asleep, and so he leaned his head back, staring up at the stars. This far away from the city, thousands of tiny lights twinkled down from the ebony dome, and Ban was almost tempted to wake Ginji, knowing how he would appreciate it.

Ginji awoke just before dawn, as he often did, stretching in the familiar space of the car, and then stopped, remembering that they weren't supposed to be sleeping in the car anymore. "Ban-chan?" he mumbled, rubbing at his eyes. The sight that greeted him as he finally opened his eyes was like nothing he'd ever seen in his life, and for a moment he thought he was still dreaming.

"Finally awake?" Ban teased lightly, turning to look over his shoulder from where he was seated on the hood of the car, watching the sun rise. Beyond Ban's silhouette, the sun was gold and fire resting on the line where the pale dawn sky met the sea, which stretched its tendrils out towards them to crash upon the sand.

Ginji climbed out of the car, tripping over his own feet as he ran around to stand in front of the car and gape in wonder. Ban laughed softly, for somehow he had known that Ginji had never seen the ocean before. "Ban-chan... it's... incredible!"

"Come on," Ban gestured, hopping off the car. He kicked off his shoes and motioned for Ginji to do the same, and then started out across the cool sand towards the water.

Ginji ran across the sand, marveling at the feeling of it between his toes, and stopped short when he came to the water's edge, looking back at Ban with a delighted grin. "Is it... safe to go in? I... don't know how to swim."

Nodding as he lowered himself to the sand just out of reach of the waves, Ban watched as Ginji cautiously let the water run over his toes. "Don't go out too far... but I'm right here if you do get yourself into trouble."

"Thanks, Ban-chan," he replied with a smile, his eyes still focused on his toes, watching as the water caused the weak sand to give way, slowly letting him sink until his feet were buried. Shaking the sand off his feet, he glanced back with a puzzled expression to where Ban was now leaning back on his elbows. "Aren't you going to come in?"

"Maybe when it gets a little warmer."

Ginji nodded and pulled off his shirt, tossing it back behind him onto the sand as he waded further out to where the waves were breaking around his knees. He could not keep his eyes from the line of the horizon, and simply stood there for a long moment, pondering. "It's like the world disappears!" he called back to Ban, turning. "The water just goes out and out and out until it seems like it falls off the edge... like...like there would be an enormous waterfall if I could ever swim out that far."

"People used to think the world was flat, long ago," Ban answered him with a small smirk. Ginji's childlike wonder at everything around him never ceased to amuse and lighten his heart, and he was glad it had occurred to him that this might be something to take Ginji's mind off whatever had been bothering him for the past few days. "And that if they sailed far enough, they would fall off and be lost forever."

"But it's not really true, right?" Ginji had turned to face the shore, cupping his hands to his mouth to call to Ban, who suddenly sat up with a start, his glasses slipping down his nose as his eyes widened in surprise.

"Ginji! Behind you!" Ban's warning came a second too late though, and Gink turned just as a much larger wave came crashing into his side, knocking him off his feet and sending him tumbling under the water. Jumping up, Ban ran a step or two into the water, eyes scanning, ready to dive in and find him if need be, but a moment later Ginji's sandy head surfaced and his voice bubbled up with laughter.

"It's saltier than the best pizza, Ban-chan!" he called enthusiastically, rubbing his eyes as he stumbled to his feet in time to be knocked over by another wave.

Ban stood there for a long time, watching Ginji be tumbled around by the waves, hands and feet flailing, his laughter ringing out over the deserted beach each and every single time he came up for air again. Watching that kind of pure delight over something most people took for granted awakened something inside Ban, and pulling his hands out of his pockets, he called out to Ginji. "Are you finished with your silliness yet?"

"Baaaan-chaaaan!" he called back in a sing song voice. "Why don't you come in? It's warm, honest!" He splashed his way back to Ban, dripping wet, and when Ban didn't answer, he cautiously lifted a hand to Ban's glasses, tapping the bridge lightly. "Please?"

Unable to resist such a plea, Ban smirked, pulling off his glasses, his shirt, adding them to where Ginji had left his own shirt earlier. Ginji clapped his hands gleefully, but his excitement was soon thwarted by Ban's tackle that sent them both sprawling backwards into the shallow water. Over and over they tumbled in the water, laughing and sputtering until Ban finally wrapped an arm around Ginji, who conceded defeat.

"You always win..." he pouted, running his fingers through his damp hair. "And now I'm all tired and hungry."

"Then you'll be happy to know I thought to pick up some food on the drive out here, knowing how whiny you get if I don't keep you fed." Ban smirked and then gestured to the tumbling waves. "Come on, and I'll show you how to get a lift to shore."

"You eat more than I do!" Ginji protested, folding his arms over his chest and following Ban as he waded just slightly further out to sea. Ban watched over his shoulder for the next wave to come rolling towards them, and as it crested he jumped into it, laughing as it carried him to shore.

"Come on!" he called back to Ginji, walking up the beach towards their car to retrieve the blanket and grocery bag from where he'd stashed them.

Ginji watched the waves worriedly, tempted to simply run back to shore, but never one to let Ban outdo him, he took a deep breath and jumped into the next wave as it came along. Unfortunately, his timing was just a little off, and the wave left him back on shore coughing up water and spitting out sand after it had flipped him quite upside down.

Ban had come running down the beach to Ginji after dropping the blanket and bag in the sand next to their discarded clothing, and he winced, offering Ginji a hand. "You all right?"

Ginji nodded, coughing again, and let Ban lead him back to the blanket, grateful for the bottle of water to wash the sand and salt out of his mouth. "Ban-chan..." he murmured.

Ban looked up from the sandwich he had nearly finished already to give him a puzzled look. "Hmm?"

"I wouldn't know any of this if it wasn't for you." Ginji set the bottle of water down, resting his arms over knees which he had drawn up against himself. "So long I felt like I was searching for something, and now... I don't know. There's this great big, wonderful world out there..."

"I'd give it all to you if I could."

Ginji blinked in surprise and looked over at Ban - it was rare that he said anything like that, and Ginji thought for a moment that perhaps he had imagined it. "B...Ban-chan?"

Ban smiled slightly and reached out a hand to tilt Ginji's face towards his as he leaned towards him. "You heard me - and Ginji... anytime you need anything, you know you can ask me."

Ginji smiled, a mischievous glint coming into his normally innocent brown eyes. "Anything?"

Laughing softly, Ban brought his other hand up to Ginji's face, drawing him closer until their noses bumped. "You don't need to ask for this - I can read the look in your eyes." He caught Ginji's bottom lip between his own, and the kiss was soft and gentle, hardly more than a brush.

"Mmm...Ban-chan..." Ginji murmured as they parted and Ban laughed softly. "You know.. no matter how I feel or what's going on... you always... make everything turn out all right." He smiled, reaching a hand to trail his fingers slowly down Ban's arm affectionately, certainly not oblivious to the effect it had.

"Of course I do," Ban smirked, and reaching an arm around Ginji, he pulled him half into his lap, kissing him again, letting his tongue slip over Ginji's lips as he trailed his own fingers over Ginji's bare chest teasingly. Ginji reached up to wind his arms around Ban's neck, dragging him downward, and Ban quite obligingly laid Ginji back on the blanket, trailing a line of slow kisses down his neck and over his shoulder.

Ginji fairly purred at this, his eyes drifting closed as he ran his hands down Ban's back, electricity crackling more as his heart started to race. "Ban-chan..." he murmured again, and Ban stopped kissing him long enough to stare down at him, his eyes running over the familiar angles of Ginji's body.

"I'm getting shocked... I must be doing a good job..." he teased and Ginji made a show of pouting at him.

"Do you mind it that much?"

"Naah..." Ban leaned down, nibbling at Ginji's neck again and then breathing into his ear. "It means I know I've got you right where I want you." He cut off Ginji's exclamation of protest with another kiss, driving his tongue into Ginji's mouth only to be met by the same passion and hunger in return.

Ginji's hands went immediately to the waistband of Ban's pants, and Ban growled softly, his own hands seeking to remove the remains of Ginji's clothes in return. Once tossed aside, he pressed his body against Ginji's, reveling in the feeling of bare skin against bare skin as Ginji's hands tangled in his hair, dragging his face close for another heated kiss.

Food was not the only thing Ban had thought to bring along, and he laughed as Ginji breathlessly pointed an accusatory finger at him. "You brought me out here just to seduce me!"

"So what if I did?" Ban replied as he ran his hands over Ginji's body, tensing as Ginji's own hands reached out to touch him, electricity intensifying what had already started to be painful. "And you don't seem to mind," he growled.

"Ban-chan..." Ginji's breathy reply floated up to him as Ban leaned to kiss him again, his hands finding Ginji's hips.

"Ginji..." he mumbled back, and pressing into him, immediately lost himself in the sensation of every hair on his body standing on end. They moved together in a rhythm not unlike the sea, full of sighs and soft mumblings of each other's names, Ginji's electricity crackling around the both of them until they collapsed against each other in an exhausted heap.

Ban ran his fingers gently through Ginji's hair as Ginji turned so that his head was resting against Ban's chest. There was silence save the continuing crash of the surf, and just when Ban was sure Ginji's breathing meant he was asleep again, he sighed, his voice no more than a whisper. "Ban-chan... love you...thank you..."

Looking down at Ginji's peaceful face, Ban blinked in surprise, not having expected the honest admission, and yet unsure of what to say. He couldn't recall having uttered such a thing to anyone in his life, and wasn't sure he would, even if he knew he felt it. Sighing, he kissed Ginji's cheek softly, breathing his own reply. "Anytime, Ginji... and remember... the whole world, if I have my way."