Piano Girl ~ Fanfics ~ Get Backers ~ All Of Me

All Of Me

For Andrea, ever my Ban-chan

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

Ban closed his book with a soft snap, glancing over the rim of his glasses at the figure sprawled and thrashing on the bed. He wasn't sure if he hated the idea of waking him more than he hated the idea of watching him like this.

"I'm so tired, Ban-chan..."

"I know."

Ban slid the car into the parking space of a small and rundown hotel, turning off the engine and looking over at Ginji. "Ban-chan...?" he mumbled, lifting his head from where it had been resting against the glass of the window.

"Get out," Ban said softly, reaching for the door handle. "Let's try and get some real sleep tonight."

"But you said you like sleeping in the car..."

Ban looked over his shoulder in exasperation. He would certainly not tell Ginji this was only for his own good... he didn't want his friend to think he was coddling him. "Are you coming or not?"

"Coming, coming..." Ginji mumbled, tumbling out of the car and stretching once before running to catch up with Ban, who was already halfway to the door. "But...Ban-chan... we don't have any money!"

"I know the owner."

"Oh!" Ginji smiled slightly, looking around the lobby, taking in the faded couch with its missing arm, the dusty ceiling fixture with all but one light bulb gone out. "Is he a friend of yours?"

Ban did not look back at Ginji when he answered, but reached out to hit the bell on the desk sharply. "It's just someone who owes me a favor...I told you, Ginji...I don't have any friends."

The figure on the bed whimpered slightly, and with a sigh, Ban set his book down on the floor, coming around the bed to sit down beside him. He reached out a hesitant hand to touch his shoulder, shaking him slightly. "Ginji... Ginji, wake up..."

Ginji's reflexes were instantaneous, born from years of living in near constant peril, and his entire body tensed, brown eyes snapping open to regard Ban in momentary confusion. Upon recognition, Ginji relaxed again, his expression passing quickly from apprehension to relief to pain and finally a vague sense of frustration. "I was dreaming..." he finally said softly, rolling onto his side to stare at the chipped paint on the wall, one hand curling childishly under his face. Ban's hand did not leave his shoulder, and after a moment of silence, slid to his back, gliding over it in silent comfort.

"I know... that's why I woke you." During the day, when the sun was high in the sky and they were out riding in the car, laughing and singing along to the radio, Ginji was fine. He was more than fine, he was happy. But even now, several months since they'd left Mugenjou behind, the nights would drag him back into the murky depths of that place, haunting him despite Ban's best efforts to remind him it was all in the past. "You know if you want to talk... I'll listen."

Pulling himself to a sitting position, Ginji shook his head fervrently. "I... I can't right now..."

Ban would never press him, though part of him wished he would talk - he was always calmer, more at peace, once he'd gotten it out - and he rose from the bed, reaching to pick the car keys up off the tiny table beside the chair he'd been sitting in before. "Let's go for a ride."

"But..." Ginji protested, looking around their room.

"We can come back here," Ban replied, stepping towards the door. "But you aren't going to sleep right now, are you?"

"No..."

"Then let's go."

Ginji followed Ban back to the car, and moments later they were racing down the nearly deserted streets, windows open to the cool autumn air. Ginji's mind was still flooded with images from his dreams, mostly the whispers of voices, the shadows of things he could only half remember. He couldn't shake the guilt of having left any more than he could shake the guilt, the idea, that even in just a few months, he'd been more trouble to Ban than he was worth. He glanced over at his friend, but Ban's gaze was fixed on the road, neither his posture nor his expression suggesting anything was wrong. The wind tossed his shaggy hair into his face and he blew it away, not so much in annoyance as in habit. In an effort to fill the silence, Ginji questioned him. "Are we going anywhere...or just...driving?" Not that it mattered either way.

"We're going to get ice cream," Ban replied, and his eyes flickered over to Ginji's face just long enough to see the beginnings of a smile play at his lips.

"Really? At this hour?"

"I know a place...it's usually open late...and even if it isn't, I know the owner."

"Someone else who owes you a favor?"

Ban chuckled, knowing it was probably he was currently in debt. "No."

"A friend?"

"Just someone I know."

"Oh..."

Moments later they were standing in front of a sign that read "Honky Tonk", and though the lights were dimmed, Ban walked assuredly up to the door, rapping the back of his fist against it lightly.

"How did I know it was going to be you before I even came to the door?"

Ginji let the older man usher them inside and followed Ban to take a seat at the counter. "And here I thought you'd be glad to see I was still alive." Ginji watched the exchange between the two with curiosity, an overwhelming sense of familiarity coming to him in gazing at the older man, who shook his head as he walked behind the counter, returning to the dishes he'd been stacking before the knock. He almost wanted to ask if they'd met somewhere before, sometime when he was younger... Teshimine's face popped into his mind for a moment, but he shook his head to clear the image. If the owner recognized me, he would have said something, wouldn't he?

"Never said I wasn't."

Ban slid a cigarette out of the pack in his shirt pocket, lighting it and taking a long drag before he spoke again. "Mint chocolate chip," he gestured to Ginji with a flick of his cigarette as the man stacked the last dish.

"That bad, eh? Who's the kid?"

"Amano Ginji," Ginji finally spoke up hastily, bowing as best he could from his seated position. "Hajimemashite."

"Hajimemashite..Douzo yoroshiku..." the man replied with a similar bow, reaching underneath the counter for a small bowl. His eyes passed over Ginji slowly, studying him, but he gave no visible indication of recognition.

"Paul is usually known as Master to us poor bums."

"Hmph..." Paul turned and walked to the freezer, bowl in one hand. "Maybe if you ever paid off your tab..."

"I told you! The next job that comes along..."

"I believe I've heard that line before..." He returned to set the bowl in front of Ginji as Ban stubbed out the remains of his cigarette in the ashtray on the counter. "I'm heading upstairs to sleep. Do me a favor and lock the door on your way out?"

"Will do?"

"And come around at a reasonable hour and let me know what you've been up to?"

Ban nodded, and with a wave, Paul disappeared up the stairs at the back of the small café. "Are you going to try it or stare at it?"

Ginji reached out for the spoon beside the bowl, and did not reply. Though it was not strawberry and vanilla this time, and certainly not a cone, he couldn't help but instantly recall that the last time he'd tasted ice cream, it had been... He closed his eyes for a moment, his cheeks coloring slightly. Yes, it had been that day in the park, when Ban had... He paused, his eyes snapping open again, focusing on the bright green in front of him. He couldn't quite say it to himself without feeling an odd heat rise in his chest. That day in the park when Ban had kissed him, given him a taste of that cone... There... he'd said it. Oddly satisfied, he looked over at Ban's puzzled expression and then slipped his spoon into the ice cream with a grin. "Thanks, Ban-chan..." he enthused after a couple spoonfuls. "I really love ice cream... and I think I might even like this new one best of all the ones I've tried!"

Ban chuckled softly and leaned his elbows on the countertop, looking around the room. It was the first time he'd been back in here in a long time, not since before... It had to be at least a year, he pondered, maybe even more. Time seemed so blurred at certain points, and he didn't care enough to try and pinpoint it any more exactly.

After Ginji had finished and insisted upon washing the bowl and replacing it himself, they found themselves on the way back to the hotel, still in relative silence. Ban was vaguely bothered by this, but as it was usually Ginji who did the incessant chattering, humming and singing, he wasn't sure what to say, and so remained silent. Once back in their room, he left Ginji standing by the window, walking down the hallway to the vending machines. If he was lucky, with a good kick in the right place, he could score them a couple of cold drinks or maybe a box of Pocky.

Ginji hardly noticed Ban leave, and continued to stand at the window morosely. In the distance he could see the dark peaks of Mugenjou, and was angry at himself... angry that not even Ban's efforts to cheer him up had really been able to shake his earlier dreams. A flash of lighting lit the sky abruptly, and for a moment Ginji could see his reflection in the glass, the haunted expression in his own eyes, the tightly drawn line of his lips. He reached to run a hand through his hair, the barest tingle of electricity crackling through it. And then, without much warning even to himself, he sat down on the edge of the bed and buried his face in his hands, shoulders shaking. "I won't cry..." he whispered to himself. I won't... I can't... I've been so bad the last few days, crying in the middle of the night... Ban-chan is going to get sick of it and dump me right back at Mugenjou... and I wouldn't blame him... I wouldn't blame him...

"Ginji?" Ban kicked the door shut behind him and set the two cans of soda down on the dresser. It frustrated Ban to no end that Ginji seemed so unhappy lately, and even though he'd never admit it out loud, he was always afraid that one day missing his friends would become too strong a pull, and he'd want to go back. Maybe I can't really make him happy...maybe he's going to wake up and realize that I'm worthless to him...and blame me for taking him away from his friends. He wouldn't be wrong either. Ginji had not looked up at the sound of his name, and so Ban, still standing just inside the door, crossed his arms irritably across his chest, determined not to let Ginji see even a speck of fear in him. "Do you want to go back, Ginji? Is that it? Do you miss it?"

The words seemed to cut through Ginji like a knife, and with a sharp and sudden intake of breath, he whipped his head around, a panicked expression on his face. "You....you want me to leave?" he choked out.

Ban shook his head, taking a step closer. Was he misreading Ginji's actions? "No, Ginji, I don't want you to leave... but if you want to leave, I wish you would." I can't stand to see you so unhappy. I'd... I'd rather be without you than make you so miserable.

Ginji looked even more stricken by these remarks, and shook his head quickly. "No, no... Ban-chan... no... I was just afraid..."

His expression softening a bit, Ban let his arms slip back to his sides and came to sit beside Ginji on the bed, pulling out a cigarette, lighting it slowly before saying anything else. "Afraid of what?"

"Afraid you didn't want me around anymore."

Ban almost laughed out loud at the irony, but instead took another drag of his cigarette before turning to study Ginji seriously. "And what would make you think a thing like that?"

"So much of the past that I can't erase... can't seem to forget... and when you snapped at me the other day, about... about not wanting me to be Raitei anymore, I'm...I'm afraid you'll get frustrated with me and..." He couldn't bring himself to even finish the thought and Ban sighed, stubbing out the cigarette in the ashtray on the table beside the bed.

"It's true that I probably should get more annoyed with than I do... but... I don't. I don't really know why you don't drive me crazy, you just... don't."

"But why?"

Leaning back on his elbows and watching Ginji's hunched over form, Ban pondered the question for a moment. "I like having you around."

"I like having you around too, Ban-chan..." Ginji replied quickly, looking over his shoulder. "When I'm with you, I'm happy."

"Not always."

"A lot of the time... more of the time than I ever have been before." Ban smiled slightly, deeply relieved to hear this, but Ginji continued before he had a chance to reply. "I just get afraid that one of these days you'll change your mind... and I know, really, there's never going to be any guarantee that you won't, is there?"

Ban sat up now, reaching out a hand to touch Ginji's shoulder lightly. "You're right, there isn't any guarantee - but can you seriously think of any reason why either of us would get so angry at the other that we'd disband Get Backers?"

Leaning into Ban's hand, Ginji turned this question over in his mind, trying to find a reason on his own end. He knew there was none. And truly, if Ban won't send me back even when I'm not as strong as him, even when I can't always stop from being Raitei... "I don't know," he finally answered truthfully.

"See?" Ban replied with a slight smirk. "The lack of a clear reason seems to be proof enough that neither of us is going to walk away from the other."

Ginji smiled briefly, but did not turn to face Ban, and it was a long moment before he spoke again. "Even if I'm not as strong as you, even if I cry in the middle of the night?"

The tears lingering at the corners of Ginji's eyes struck something deep inside Ban, and he reached out a sure hand to take Ginji's, bringing it to his mouth to kiss the back of it gently. "How many times do I have to explain it to you before it sinks in, baka? The S..."

"Not alone," Ginji replied with a more genuine smile this time. Ban made to let go of his hand, but Ginji held to it tightly, leaning towards Ban suddenly, his eyes drifting half-closed. "Ban-chan..." he murmured softly.

Ban froze momentarily, not from the uncertainty of what he suddenly felt drawn to do, but from the uncharacteristic rush of emotion he felt simply at hearing his own name. He didn't ask or reply, but brought his free hand up to tilt Ginji's face towards his, leaning his own head down to brush his lips softly with a kiss, a question.

There was no excuse of an ice cream cone between them this time, Ginji's frantic thoughts raced, and he suddenly realized that he was glad of that, for it also meant there was no doubt behind Ban's actions. He let go of Ban's hand only to bring his own hands to his friend's shoulders, leaning into the kiss, answering the question without words. He was certain.

Drawing back for a moment, Ban's eyes flickered open, searching Ginji's, surprised at the intensity reflected there. He'd thought about this for a long time now, but he'd never had any idea that Ginji might have been thinking the same. He brought his hands to cradle Ginji's face, pausing for just a moment before crushing those lips against his own again, dipping his tongue between Ginji's lips as they parted, suddenly giddy with the cool and airy feeling of kissing him.

Ginji sighed into the kiss as it deepened, the heat of Ban's mouth and hands seeping into his body, traveling down him in waves of sunshine warmth. He was surprised when Ban abruptly broke their kiss, rubbing the back of one hand against his leg. "Baka! You shocked me!"

Blushing form the roots of his hair to the tips of his toes, Ginji turned away in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, Ban-chan... I'm not used to this, and I guess I just... I'm not good enough..."

"Stop..." Ban muttered, fisting a hand into Ginji's shirt and dragging him closer again. "I don't want to hear that. Ginji..."

Chocolate eyes, mere inches from his, watched and waited. "Ban-chan..."

It was too sentimental. It was too true. He didn't want to say it, he hated saying it even as the words came out... but for all that Ginji had done for him in such a short time, it was the least he deserved. "Ginji... you are more than enough. You are... all of you... just fine the way you are."

Ginji's face lit up at this softly mumbled statement and he wound his arms around Ban, hugging him tightly. "All of you... all of you is just right for me too, Ban-chan."

No bad dreams lingered between the kisses and sighs that night and all doubt was erased in the joining of two who had long been missing a piece that was found only in the other.